Retarded School Stories

Retarded High School / Jr High School Stories

CJH Winnipeg

Story time, boys and girls.

These cliched stories probably exist in some form in every community:

  • Frozen Weiner: pubescent girl, alone at home one night, decides to use a frozen weiner (or cucumber) as dildo. Item gets stuck or breaks off in vagina. Girl is rushed to hospital to have her box excavated.
  • Stomach Pump: cheerleader gives head to entire sports team, then is rushed to the hospital to have litres of semen pumped from her stomach.
  • Orange Peeler: kid on acid trips out and thinks he's an orange. He proceeds to try to peel his skin.

My School Stories:

I lived in Winnipeg, Manitoba, until I was 20 years old. Here are some of the stories I've collected or heard second-hand:

1) D.S. Hand (circa 1990) *

Kids are in line to order food at the junior high cafeteria. In front of your friend is a blond boy with downs syndrome, whom we will call Undrew. Undrew puts his hands down the back of his pants and then removes them. His finger tips are now covered with brown diarrhea. Undrew giggles uncontrollably.

2) B. Thatch (circa 1991) ****

A fat kid, who was actually three years older than me, used to try to skate with us. This kid loved the movie Aliens. His father used to kick him out of the house for eating all the hotdog buns. Let's call him Bavid. One day, my friends borrow a skate video from Bavid. They watch it, and then after it's over, they let the video continue to play while they do something else. After the static, the video cuts to a home video that Bavid has made with his camcorder.

Bavid is :

  • completely naked
  • on his carpet
  • on all fours (manbreasts sagging)
  • erect
  • blowing bubbles out of one of those spoon-like bubble-blowing sticks

His cat is in the background (but he wasn't fucking it). My friends freak out and eject the tape. Unsure of what to do, they decide to destroy it. They stomp the VHS cassette in the ditch in front of their house.

Aftermath: We weren't sure how to deal with it. We kinda stopped hanging around him. We told a few people, of course, most of whom didn't fully believe us. This was probably better for Bavid, whom may have realized something was up when he didn't get his cassette back. Thankfully my friends didn't pass the video around, or else Bavid might have committed suicide or lord knows what.

Bavid probably never did learn to kickflip.

3) Carpet Dad (circa 1993) ***

This story is similar, oddly enough, although it comes from another school about two years later. My two best friends (dudes) were members of the high school cheerleading team for whatever reason. They missed a practice so they had to borrow a video cassette with the new exercise/chant on from one of the girls (I knew this girl and she was nice and normal). Again, after the video, the camera cuts to the cheerleader's father. The father is naked, lying on his stomach, looking up at the camera. The dad is erect and he is thrusting his purple dad-penis up and down on the carpet.

My friends eject tape and do not to tell the girl. She still doesn't know to this day.

jizz on carpet

Add your school stories below.

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