By M. Kusoda
Purity Lost
On weekends in the Flemmish town of Leuven, I'd see families touring the town in groups. Some wore the matching-color shirts like a family uniform and rode rented push scooters as a team. In Belgian parades, 16 year-olds participated with painted faces and danced alongside their peers. At public festivals, people of all ages held hands and danced their traditional dances with glee.
What purity. Christ.
Do you ever feel too tainted to enjoy good wholesome fun?
You see non-wasted people enjoying themselves, singing a Christmas song or doing the hokey-pokey with children, and then you think, damn, I could do that too… IF I didn't jack off to child porn last night with my thumb up my ANUS.
You want to sing that Christmas carol, smile with your family, or give a genuine hug. But deep down, you know that you're an irreligious bastard, singing isn't supposed to be for men, and if your 'friends' saw you with this big smile full of love on your face, they'd laugh and call you a fag.
You can no longer embrace the goodness of being; you're too impure; tainted. You'd stain it if you tried. You've witnessed/participated in sex, drugs, disgusting things people do to each other, crime, maybe death . You've chased materialism. You feel 'the other' looking at you, cutting you down with criticism, biting you. You can feel the weight of their gaze because you do it too. You're self-conscious. inhibited. shackled. a self-denying human being in a spirit-proof Gore-Tex shell.
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singing clearly makes this man look gay |
Sing sober at karaoke? Men don't do that shit. Give a card on mother's day? PFFT. What has she ever done for me? Express genuine feelings for a girl? Snoop Dogg never loved hoes. Make a genuine EFFORT to fucking do ANYTHING? Forget it – can't risk failing in front of others |
Remember picture day at elementary school? You rocked a huge smile. You'd hurt your face trying to expand your smile (and in the class photo, there was always that one kid who had no idea how to smile and would just open his mouth like 'oooohhw' like he was about to receive a wong.) I mean, look at this:
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What do you think of when you see this face? Matt Damon is either: 1) gay 2) mental 3) high or 4) a jesus freak. (and 2-4 are basically the same) |
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So we learn how to do these little semi-smiles. The 20% smile. "I'm not a kid, see, I can only be _this_ happy now; twenty percent happy. This is the extent; that's all I can give you. Now fuck off, please." |
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Something in our society has become twisted. We've entered some kind of paradox where it has become hard to be yourself because, in a street/hiphop sense, it is considered hard not be yourself.
And now we're so hard… it's hard not to laugh.
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You decide.
Yuu are the MAN, head of humans beeings, maybe even white, everybody needs you to be dignified, your gayness is inappropriate.