Friendship in Tokyo: The Gaijin Circle

8 Feb

Fucking Gaijin. Nice life dickweed. Finally getting the attention you didn’t get for the 20 years of your worthless existence before arriving here. Don’t look over here. I’m not giving you directions to Gaspanic. or the HUB. I came here to get away from fucks like you…

You think. Because you aren’t one of those. You aren’t a dork. You’ve been laid in your own country. Your arrival in Japan wasn’t propelled by high school asskickings and rejection from your home society.


Nor are you a baka gaijin. Eff Gaspanic and Roppongi. There might be hoes there, but you don't want some rotten slizz who’s had her poon ruined by a military platoon. You don’t need that. You speak Japanese. That’s not why you came here.

Idiot Gaijin
Species: Gaijin
Kingdom: Roppongi
Genus: English Teacher
Conservation Status: Least Concern

You work off the contacts you’ve got and make friends on your own merit in your own scenes. Meet people at parties. Make connections. Go from 5 to 50 entries in your keitai. Ballller.

The weekend comes. You text Yoshi. No reply. You msg the girl you met at the club. She tells you she’s busy until six weeks from now, Tuesday, at 2pm. Mother F that. You call Naoya. No answer. Fuck it, you see what your few gaijin friends are doing. Text -> boom: a reply. Meet in 30 mins. Sure. Go out. Talk shit. Recite the TMNT theme song. Tell STD stories. Good shit. Not bad for a night with gaijins. But that’s not what you’re all about.

Next week you finally get a date lined up with a girl you met at the park. 8pm nakameguro. Even made reservations. You arrive. Nothing. Text her. She tells you she ate something bad for lunch and her stomach is upset. Gomen ne. Broken heart emoticon. Shitme. You text your Japanese friend who lives in nakame. No reply. Probably still at work. Fuck it. Meet up with fellow gaijin from work and grab some cheap beers.

The cycle continues. An undesirable trend of mushis (無視= being ignored) and dotakyans (ドタキャン= last minute ditching) emerges in your attempts to hang with your Japanese connects. Eventually, you realize that of the 100 Japanese people in your keitai, almost none are real friends. They kanpai you at parties and even use you to nanpa girls for them but probably wouldn’t give a shit if you ninja vanished tomorrow. Cold world syndrome. You’re a novelty. An alien transient.

— Shift in narrative (in voice of Stan Marsh):

Of three hundred Japanese ‘friends’ I made in Tokyo, there were only three I would consider real friends. They stood out as reliable, trustworthy, and almost never broke plans. The constant among these three was that they all had lived overseas for at least a year. They had an understanding of Western culture and our expectations of friendship. Other than these three, my other genuine friends were gaijins.

Some of the flakiness I experienced was partially because of who I associated with. Club bitches are scandalous and some scene people are fake. Also, people might doubt the depth of the bond they can form with an alien transient. When I’d bring up this issue with Tokyo people, they’d argue that people are equally flakey everywhere. Well, that is not in my experience living in Can, Aus, Belgium, and the Czech Republic. Even my gaijin friend who lived in Kyoto for years said he had never experienced such regular ditchings and coldworldness as he did once moving to Tokyo.

In defense of Tokyo, it is a beast. A soul-crushing, dandruff-covered, one-cup guzzling beast. A beast that slept only two hours last night, has vomit smeared on its leg and is rubbing his jizzly micropenis through the crotch of his cheap suit on the backside of a petrified schoolgirl. It’s the beast that would engulf and swallow my young salaried friends, effacing them from the social world forever.

If you are a foreigner in Tokyo, the dream of living a gaijin-free life immersed in a circle of Japanese friends where you are the unique crown jewel is unlikely to be realized. Also, the dream is stupid and probably even undesirable. Sure, you don’t have to roll with Roppongi Rob, but you need some gaijin in your life. And the longer I stayed in Tokyo, the more I realized this. Who else could we talk shit with? We need to blow off steam with our own kind periodically in order to stay mentally fit enough to plot our criminal activities and generally terrorize the country that was nice enough to admit us ticking time bombs in the first place.

Pool party in the Imperial Palace pond.

Minoru Kusoda

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9 Responses to “Friendship in Tokyo: The Gaijin Circle”

  1. Joe 2011/02/14 at 2:30 am #

    INTENSE!!!!

  2. admin 2011/02/14 at 12:38 pm #

    This article has had over a thousand views and generated considerable discussion on Gaijin pot. Link:

    http://forum.gaijinpot.com/showthread.php?96149-Relationships-in-Tokyo-The-Gaijin-Circle

  3. Got Faded Japan 2011/02/19 at 4:04 am #

    I posted it brotha!

    And, despite having a shit load of Japanese friends, I see my foreign friends much more often. I think the other guys might be chained to a desk somewhere…..

  4. Tariq khan 2012/07/10 at 3:34 pm #

    i need a good girls for real mareege

  5. Tariq khan 2012/08/03 at 3:48 pm #

    I am a simple man I wish real marage with Japani girls

  6. mkusoda 2012/08/03 at 5:02 pm #

    why do you want to marry a Japanese girl? please explain

  7. Cain 2013/03/31 at 7:45 pm #

    Hmmmm i really dont recognize the situation at all. My friends here in tokyo have made me so busy i have hardly had time to sleep. Even when im dead broke i get dragged to yoshinoya or something to get fed then to karaoke or some party in the park. So my experience is completely opposite.

  8. Monica 2016/03/27 at 5:00 pm #

    I’ve being living in Japan for almost 4 years, i finally decided to start meeting people but,i look full japanese but i was born and raised overseas.
    Japanese people thinks i’m too japanese for being a gaijin, and the gaijin thinks i’m too gaijin for being a “japanese”.
    I tried to look for places in which i can meet people but at the end, just the few i met ended up being men who just want to get laid.
    I really would like to know, if somebody knows, where to meet people who are not interested in partying the whole time and make real friends in Japan. Is it possible?

    • Anonymous 2016/03/28 at 2:44 am #

      I’m not in Japan anymore. Making friends can be hard. I’d recommend focusing on your hobbies and try to join a club/group related to it. Or you can post a classified ad in metropolis. Or try to befriend females.

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