Cooking Blog: Oily Hell Pasta

27 Feb

WTF is Geo-Duck?

I want to eat, generally. So I look in my cupboards and find pasta and a can of tuna. Eager to expand my repertoire, I google "easy pasta dish" and end up with a recipe that takes 100 minutes and requires goat cheese, butternut squash, and geo-duck (geography duck??). I'm just a man trying to survive til the next day. I can't make that shit.

So I figured it was time to do it proper-like. Here's a recipe from the mb cookbook.

"Oily Hell" – Pasta Recipe

Prep time: 2 min Cook time: 10-50 mins

Instructions:

  • Wash dishes piled in sink
  • Sprinkle 30 oz dirty dish water on girlfriend
  • Turn two hot-plate elements on full power
  • Oil skillet, place it and pot on elements
  • Fill pot with four thirds of hydrogenated oxygen
  • Insert stick of raw spaghetti in mouth like pilgrim
  • Watch pot dance around and make loud fucking popping sounds cuz you didn't dry off the bottom
  • Dump in entire package of spaghetti
  • Ignore for 10-30 minutes
  • Chop available veggies
  • Combine vegetables with pieces of teflon crap peeling off pan bottom
  • Season with dead bits of herb plant girlfriend keeps putting in apartment
  • Parboil gently
  • Peel fingernails
  • Place in plant pot
  • Poach new Kanyge West album
  • Skim inbox
  • Place stale bread in toaster oven
  • Stew over meaning of life
  • Braise girlfriend's butt with fists
  • Brown socks on kitchen floor dirt
  • Coat room with fart stench
  • Strain relationship
  • Whip girlfriend with tea towel
  • Julienne
  • Put on Kanywe West album

While shit cooks, do the following for 5-30 minutes:

  • Shimmying (30-320 seconds)
  • Fart contest (variable)
  • Freestyle rapping (5-50 bars)
  • Deuce-dropping (approx 800g)
  • Looking for macbook remote control (30 seconds)
  • Skipping Kaygne West tracks (16 x)
  • Pretending you forgot about the food so your girlfriend will take over
  • Return to kitchen
  • Scald hand
  • Strain pasta, add to fried veggies
  • Drizzle in olive oil
  • Banger it
  • Smell burnt toast
  • Yell "FUCK"
  • Grate burnt parts into sink
  • Blanch devereaux
  • Expedite
  • Look for hairs
  • Toast to Hustler magazine
  • Realize there's no taste
  • Don't care
  • Become full
  • Consider stopping
  • Remember Africa
  • Finish everything
  • Delete entire Kangye West album
  • Repeat three times a week for 40-60 years
  • Suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome
For more information on Irritable Bowel Syndrome, see http://www.ibsgroup.org


 

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